im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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