i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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