Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
