I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
