I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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