She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
