some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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