i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
We have started to decorate penises.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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