This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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