it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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