and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
