did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
