Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
