If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
In America we eat man semen.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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