i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
