Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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