So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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