I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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