I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
