Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
