Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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