I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
