She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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