It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
