so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
