i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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