I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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