True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
