Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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