and she was petting her beer can
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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