For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize