You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
