i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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