I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
