GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
