He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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