dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
