I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize