Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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