Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
