Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
A+ Viking dick
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
