just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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