So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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