I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
A+ Viking dick
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
