Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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