I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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