even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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