sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
