I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
