This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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