who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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