Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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