so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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