Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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