You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
