Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
