I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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