I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
