somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
