I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
