checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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