My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
