I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
